When one door opens...

In March 2015, Mr Lye Yen Kai, Founder, Director and Lead Facilitator for Pivotal Learning Pte Ltd and Pivotal Youth Pte Ltd started to have more in-depth conversations with me.

We knew each other previously, through meeting each other in client schools, and we would do the casual "Hi-Bye" routine.

He was asking about how I was doing, what were my plans, etc. And I shared with him, my aspirations for just wanting to be a facilitator; whether I facilitate under my own business or not, was not important to me. I am still passionate about the youth, and am also ready to explore beyond them, towards the adults that have contact with them: namely their parents and their teachers.

I was given the opportunity to be a part of signature camp of Pivotal Youth in June 2015, and through that experience, learnt a bit more about what and how they do it. And that was only the tip of the iceberg. From there, conversations started, to go on board Pivotal as a staff started to become a bit more serious, and more explorations of working with each other continued.

On 2 September 2015, I joined Pivotal Learning and Pivotal Youth as a full-time staff, and that is the start of a journey of an emotional roller-coaster.

Journey of Clarity

In 3 March 2014, Chrysalists was registered, so that I will be able to "continue" what I had done before: working with schools, training student leaders, working with youth-at-risk, conducting corporate teambuilding - specifically for Exxon-Mobil as part of their talent development programme. It started primarily because I had an awesome working relationship with some of the schools I worked with, and also the main consultant in-charge of Exxon-Mobil's talent development programme. So much so, that they were asking if I was still doing what I used to do. I said "yes", even though I was not clear. Perhaps it was survival instinct that motivated me to make that assumption, that rash decision. It felt like I just did not want to lose my existing clients to some other company, just in case, I still wanted to continue to do what I used to. I started Chrysalists because I was afraid to lose, even after I have lost.

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When I decided to shut LDC Pte Ltd down at the end of 2012, I was tired and dejected. I gave myself two years, to rediscover myself. I have no idea how I came out with the duration of two years; it just felt right.

It was not an easy two years. I fumbled and jumbled through those two years, like a zombie... I continued to be in facilitation, but I had no passion for it. I was angry all the time, and my patience was short. I got frustrated and irritated easily.

Some big boss millionaire offered me a "job": to run a business, almost exactly the same as the one that I ran before. But I could not stand even eight months of it, breaking down within three months, unable to take the pressures and the stress of being in "management", having to make the decisions that I hated most: deciding on which staff had to leave and stay. By the sixth month there, I almost cut myself, as in literally. I was in so much heart pain, I was scratching myself so hard, and that physical pain was soothing, instead of painful. So much so, that perhaps using a pair of scissors to scratch my skin/flesh would alleviate pain within even more. It was the first time I felt that form of relief from heart pain. 

(Previous contemplation of "suicide" was more of getting knocked down by a car... Gave me a high to cross the road close to the cars coming by... But I realised, after having been a driver for about eight years, getting killed via car accident, is just reckless. I will also be causing a lot of inconvenience and trauma for many others.)

Anyway, I count my blessings for being a facilitator, and I facilitated myself out of the situation - told myself to just complete  what I was doing (at that point in time, re-arranging furniture within the office to vent all the pent up energy and unhappiness), and just leave the office. And thankfully, I listened to myself that night.

By the eighth month, the big boss millionaire saw that the business was bleeding: we were earning less than we were spending, and decided to shut down all operations. And that was when I started freelancing  again. And I felt liberated.

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Freelancing gave me freedom, and much much lesser responsibilities and obligations to others. Freelancing allowed me to continue to do what I love, without the burden of care for a team. Even though I started Chrysalists at the beginning of 2014, I continued to freelance a little bit more throughout the year.

By the end of 2014, which was the end of the two years I gave myself after I shut LDC Pte Ltd down, I had some level of clarity: I enjoyed facilitation. I truly did. I always feel satisfied and accomplished at the end of each session, and I was happy doing it.

What also became clear to me by then, was that, I need not be running the business doing so, to be a facilitator. I am happy to facilitate, howsoever. By running my own business or not.

Credit: Andrew Matthews

With these two newfound clarity towards who I am and what I am doing, I felt so much lighter, and happier. And then some doors started to open. 

The Birth of "Chrysalists"

I lost a big part of me, when I decided to leave LDC Pte Ltd in 2012.

LDC was a big part of my life; it was almost like I ate, breathed and slept LDC. It was my 5 year old baby, whom I had to snuff out prematurely, because I was unable. At least that was how I felt. I was in pain, in a lot of hurt.

Because of my own inabilities, I couldn't sustain the business; I had to let my team go, at no fault of theirs. Because I was selfish, and could only take care of myself, my own thoughts, my own emotions. I let my team down, and I am an incapable leader.

I was tired, fighting a battle I didn't know how to win.

I was angry, that the people who were supposed to defend us, didn't, and wasn't willing to. Because all he could see was himself.

I beat myself up, and for the next two years, till end of 2014, I didn't do much... All I was on, was in search of happiness, of purpose. I was looking at keeping life simple: no stress, no responsibilities, no burden. I floated around, working only with people who were willing to take charge, so that I don't have to.

It was my way of running away, of avoiding, of allowing myself time to grief.

And in that period, I realised, I am happy facilitating; my purpose is to create impact, through facilitation. I realised, I enjoyed working in small groups, small teams. I enjoyed a supportive culture. It makes me smile, to be able to just impact those I come in contact with. And I am better able to empathise that each has their own path, their own speed of growth.

There are moments of angst, where I feel torn, and at tension, of what is ideal (I am an idealist) and what is reality. And I need space to allow that to happen.

In 2014, I had ex-clients calling me here and there, asking if I was still doing what I did. And what I thought was the "easiest way out", Chrysalists Pte Ltd was born.

It wasn't an ideal. At that point, when Chrysalists was born, it was reality...