I lost a big part of me, when I decided to leave LDC Pte Ltd in 2012.
LDC was a big part of my life; it was almost like I ate, breathed and slept LDC. It was my 5 year old baby, whom I had to snuff out prematurely, because I was unable. At least that was how I felt. I was in pain, in a lot of hurt.
Because of my own inabilities, I couldn't sustain the business; I had to let my team go, at no fault of theirs. Because I was selfish, and could only take care of myself, my own thoughts, my own emotions. I let my team down, and I am an incapable leader.
I was tired, fighting a battle I didn't know how to win.
I was angry, that the people who were supposed to defend us, didn't, and wasn't willing to. Because all he could see was himself.
I beat myself up, and for the next two years, till end of 2014, I didn't do much... All I was on, was in search of happiness, of purpose. I was looking at keeping life simple: no stress, no responsibilities, no burden. I floated around, working only with people who were willing to take charge, so that I don't have to.
It was my way of running away, of avoiding, of allowing myself time to grief.
And in that period, I realised, I am happy facilitating; my purpose is to create impact, through facilitation. I realised, I enjoyed working in small groups, small teams. I enjoyed a supportive culture. It makes me smile, to be able to just impact those I come in contact with. And I am better able to empathise that each has their own path, their own speed of growth.
There are moments of angst, where I feel torn, and at tension, of what is ideal (I am an idealist) and what is reality. And I need space to allow that to happen.
In 2014, I had ex-clients calling me here and there, asking if I was still doing what I did. And what I thought was the "easiest way out", Chrysalists Pte Ltd was born.
It wasn't an ideal. At that point, when Chrysalists was born, it was reality...
